When I was putting the finishing touches on the #66 mary’zine, I almost forgot to add the tags. So I went back: birds, cat, snow, winter… all tags I’d used before. But when I added love, I was startled to discover that I had never used it as a tag before. Surely I had written about love many times in the past 14 years? Hadn’t love been the predominant theme in my life and in those 66 posts?
I wrote last time about the love that is everywhere. And it continues to multiply. In fact, between then and now, a new love has entered my life. As love is wont to do, it entered quietly, almost without my noticing. But then it blossomed suddenly, unlike the still-leafless trees in my neighborhood. Love is not affected by climate change, apparently. I won’t go into specifics about this love; I’ll just say that it is true; that it transcends many barriers; and that it is mutual.
I am burning with it as I write this. But the flame is only a representation, it is not the real thing. The real thing passes between us, always. I can burn brightly in myself; whether she burns in kind, in mind, or in or out of time—is her business.
In some ways, I think I have taken the love in my life for granted. At times it has appeared to be ordained or obliged or inherited, nothing that was intended for me alone.
Love has come and gone, and sometimes it has come back again. The revived love may be the sweetest. But love has taken its time—sequential, not easily renewed. The love behind me has never seemed to live up to the loves I imagine ahead. Me and love: never on the same page… until I finally learned that it’s omnipresent, omnipotent, omniscient—like that thing they call “God.” I’m not going to say that Love is God, because I don’t see why we have to use an unproven, invisible entity to explain the very much proven phenomenon of Love.
Back in January, I had a crisis of relationship in which I wondered if the love I had experienced with a dear old friend would survive the sudden eruption of sexual desire between us and the just as sudden tamping down. I am happy to report that the love is intact and that the unexpected fire, like the Tahini spectabilis that bursts into flower only once every 80-100 years, did not consume us.
Lately, I feel like love is radiating out from my core, and coming back 10-fold. Sometimes 500-fold: Another old love, with whom I went through an unimaginably painful break-up some 30 years ago, is fixed in my heart but still capable of surprise. She and her current partner sent me $500 to help with some work on my house. Amazing.
My new love is happily married, and I am happy for her. I just happened to come along at a time when I could provide (and receive) something new and unexpected. She has “never known a woman like me,” and I would have to say the same about her. The mind and heart meld is very strong. The age of the participants is irrelevant, as is the physical distance between us. As I’ve said before, the best-kept secret of later age is that there is always the New to excite, enlighten, and motivate. We may look like yesterday’s news, but our hearts beat vigorously within, and we are easily undone by the beauty and surprise of things never before seen, never known, but real as anything. I feel surrounded by the mysterious, the inexplicable, the divine beat of the human heart. Thanks, Love. This was well worth waiting for.